How to write an eHarmony profile

March 17, 2008

So, I folded and started up with eHarmony again. What can I say? I’m a masochist. But, once again, I’m struck by how TERRIBLE the profiles are for the guys. There’s always the chance that these guys are actually really great people, but their profiles make them seem as interesting as C-SPAN Canada.

In the interest of helping romance, here are some tips for the guys on how to write an eHarmony profile that won’t get closed.

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Is this one of those situations where you can contact the ex?

March 15, 2008

It’s been over a year since the ex and I talked. As most of you know, things ended sort of badly. I’ve tried to talk to him in the last year, but have been ignored.

Which is probably for the best since I’m addicted to him like Jeff Conway is to pain pills.

But here’s the sitch: those twisters in Atlanta touched down in his neighborhood. And I really want to know if he’s okay. If his house is okay. If the Angel Season One DVD set that he never returned is okay. We were together for 7 years. I do like the idea of him still existing in the world.

I’v sent out some feelers for info through mutual friends. But part of me want to call him. Just to ask if everything is okay. But I’m not sure that’s the best move. If things are okay then the call is pointless. If his house was hit by a tree the last thing he probably wants it to hear from the person her wated most of his 20’s with.

On the other hand, if a hurricane hit Tampa Bay, I would sort of want him to check up on me. But I’m still in love with him, while he has erased all feelings for me from his robot memory.

Not sure. I’ll need to call an emergency meeting of the girls for a survey. Feel free to let me know what you think. I’m not above asking advice from strangers on the internet who found this blog while looking for pictures of women being peed on. (Sorry to disappoint you, I don’t have any of those).

Why do we let men get away with this?

March 14, 2008

I’m watching Oprah. I know, how fucking cliche can you get. But it’s pouring outside, I’m grandma sitting, and the girls are all off having a life. So, it’s me and Oprah.

It’s all about betrayed wives and those who have dated married men. It’s not Springer or anything. But a look at both sides of this issue. And watching it I just get more and more upset at those XY’s out there. The ones who place us into this position by deciding to go outside the marriage.

Oh, I know women cheat too. And they shouldn’t. There is no excuse for it. But when women cheat it tends not to be these long romances. They don’t last for seven years of stringing someone along and making them promises your don’t intend to keep.

When men cheat it’s this strange romantic cheating of living a life of new romance and possibilities with the other woman while going home every night to a comfort of a wife. And telling them both that you love them. And meaning it.

Men are able to compartmentalize these things in ways most women can’t. They can divide their heart up and keep their lies straight without ever feeling bad about it.

I have some experience. I’ve been on both sides of this at one point or another. And I can’t say that one side was better than the other. Both are paths towards pain. The other woman will never have his whole heart, but at least they know that fact. The wife is unaware she is being neglected, although a part of her secretly nags that something is wrong.

But my real question is why do we let men do this to us? Why do we put up with being second in someone’s heart? Why do we beg and pleas with the cheater to come back to us again and again?

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Well, then maybe he should have married a chick who was into Scat play

March 14, 2008

I love Dan Savage, but I don’t always agree with him. That’s the case in his take on the Spitzer situation (or more exactly- his take on Dr. Laura’s take on the Spitzer situation) in a post titled “But What if Elliot Spitzer Wanted to Shit in his Wife’s Mouth”

Dan’s point is that some sexual needs are so kinky that it could be considered more loving to have them met by a hooker than to burden the wife with them.

And while I see his point, I don’t really agree. Because, in the real world, guys don’t suddenly wake up with a fetish. He wasn’t into vanilla sex when he got married and then, 20 years later, decides he needs to be dressed up like a little girl and pegged by a lady with a strap-on. No, he had that fantasy all along, but kept on trying to ignore it in an attempt to fit into the ideal of what people are supposed to find sexy.

If you want to shit in your wife’s mouth, then marry a chick who is into scat play. If there are no women who are into scat play then at least marry one who understands your needs and doesn’t mind if you get them met somewhere else.

Yes, these women do exist. We’re the ones who are told “you’re not the type of girl you marry.”

The Spitzer sitch: does marriage lead men to cheat?

March 12, 2008

Here we are on day three of hookergate, and the questions are all about why. I posted my own theory below, about it being related to the virgin/whore complex, but some well known people disagree.

No, they think it’s because the lovely Mrs. Spitzer wasn’t doing enough at home.

Dr. Laura was the first to bring up this twisted idea on the Today show, when she suggested that because the Gov wasn’t getting what he needed at home, he needed to get is somewhere else.

His wife just should have started charging him 1,000 dollar an hour and negotiate future price discounts with him. That would have fixed everything!

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This Virgin/Whore thing… it’s complex

March 11, 2008

Did you hear that NY Gov. Spitzer hired a hooker?

Of course you have. Everyone has. It’s the top story in every paper (my fave headline: “Ho No!”).

The main question I keep hearing people ask is “why?”. I mean, on one hand we all know why, the question behind the question is why a guy like this would need to pay for sex?

He’s married, to a really cute wife. Seriously, don’t judge her by the way she looked at that non-resignation resignation press conference. She’s actually quite cute, and has a great shape.

And even if he was tired of his wife there is no end to the number of aides, interns, and co-workers he could have used for a booty call. As sad as it sounds, an affair with a co-worker probably would have been better for his career than one with a hooker. We can forgive cheating (exhibit A: Bill Clinton) but we can’t get over the hypocrisy of a guy who used to punish hookers now frequenting them.

But he didn’t go that route. He paid an estimated $3,000 for sex, with another $1,500 going towards future visits. And that is what most people don’t understand.

The phrase “you get what you pay for” might be true for shoes, but not for nookie.

So, if there are a number of women he could have sex with, why did he need to pay for it?

I think it all goes back to our old friend the virgin/whore complex.

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Because if you don’t have a child, you don’t matter!

March 7, 2008

From the “No Shit Sherlock” department comes this story from The Boston Globe “Want to Have a Baby? Now’s the Time”.

Ok, I’ll get right on that.

Even better, the story was in the career section. See, us single gals in our 20’s need to devote as much attention to finding a guy and having kids as we do to our career. Because at 35 we all become infertile.

At least that’s that latest scare tactic the media seems to be using.

OK, it is true that fertility drops after 35. But that doesn’t mean that we need to have a child before then. If we based our life decisions on when we were most fertile we’d all have gotten knocked up at 16.

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