How to write an eHarmony profile

So, I folded and started up with eHarmony again. What can I say? I’m a masochist. But, once again, I’m struck by how TERRIBLE the profiles are for the guys. There’s always the chance that these guys are actually really great people, but their profiles make them seem as interesting as C-SPAN Canada.

In the interest of helping romance, here are some tips for the guys on how to write an eHarmony profile that won’t get closed.

Let’s start with the first question: What are you passionate about? Don’t say nothing. When a guy starts his profile saying he isn’t passionate about anything it is an immediate check mark against him. Nobody is passion-less. But the fact he puts nothing either means that his passion is really terrible (internet porn) or that he isn’t very self-aware. Both of those are turn-offs. So, put something down. Are you passionate about work? Your Pet? Beating Guitar Hero? Put that down. In fact, if you are passionate about guitar hero, comic books, and political debate then email me! But don’t say nothing. Please.

Next, it’s important that you fill out the entire profile. A lot of people skip the questions about books or what would friends notice about you. Don’t do that. I always close profiles that aren’t totally filled out. It makes me think that they aren’t serious or are lazy.

Oh, about that book question… don’t put down something like “How to Please a Woman Every Time” or “The LL Cool J Workout”. I know that you think that we will see that and thing “wow! he must be good in bed and/or likes working out. That’s Hot.” No, we think it’s creepy. Very creepy. It makes us think you are idiots who only think about sex or about looks. Also, the DaVinci Code sucked. Anyone who lists it as a book they enjoyed will be closed instantly by me, and anyone who cares about literature.

Finally, the picture. Wow, people post a lot of bad pictures. Don’t post your high school graduation picture from 10 years ago. We can see your age as 28. The picture is clearly 18. We’re not idiots. Also, no pictures with kids (unless they are your own), with you shirtless (makes you look superficial), or with you drinking (makes you look like a partier). And, finally, please don’t make your eharmony profile picture one of you with your ex-girlfriend. About 10% of the profiles I see have guys in a loving embrace with some other girl. Do you not have any pictures of yourselves? Can’t you take one?

Actually, a male friend of mine said that guys post those types of pictures because they think that by showing that they had a girlfriend before it will make women find them more attractive. It doesn’t work that way guys. It makes us think you’re still in love with the ex, and that’s baggage we don’t need to deal with.

Oh, and if you’re looking for an easy fuck then try match.com or adultfriendfinder.com. The women on eHarmony are there because they are looking for long term relationships. I’ve been disappointed by the guys I meet on eHarmony who are only interested in sex.

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One Response to How to write an eHarmony profile

  1. jules says:

    nice tips… here’s one for the girls.

    On the what you’re passionate about, don’t put “living life to the fullest.” Ninety-five percent of the women I’ve been “introduced” to say that or some variation like, “i’m passionate about life”, “I’m passionate about living”. Makes me think “Welcome to Dullsville, baby. Population…. you!”

    close match… next.

    What’s another tip… oh, spell check!
    Cool blog. ~jules

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