I’m watching Oprah. I know, how fucking cliche can you get. But it’s pouring outside, I’m grandma sitting, and the girls are all off having a life. So, it’s me and Oprah.
It’s all about betrayed wives and those who have dated married men. It’s not Springer or anything. But a look at both sides of this issue. And watching it I just get more and more upset at those XY’s out there. The ones who place us into this position by deciding to go outside the marriage.
Oh, I know women cheat too. And they shouldn’t. There is no excuse for it. But when women cheat it tends not to be these long romances. They don’t last for seven years of stringing someone along and making them promises your don’t intend to keep.
When men cheat it’s this strange romantic cheating of living a life of new romance and possibilities with the other woman while going home every night to a comfort of a wife. And telling them both that you love them. And meaning it.
Men are able to compartmentalize these things in ways most women can’t. They can divide their heart up and keep their lies straight without ever feeling bad about it.
I have some experience. I’ve been on both sides of this at one point or another. And I can’t say that one side was better than the other. Both are paths towards pain. The other woman will never have his whole heart, but at least they know that fact. The wife is unaware she is being neglected, although a part of her secretly nags that something is wrong.
But my real question is why do we let men do this to us? Why do we put up with being second in someone’s heart? Why do we beg and pleas with the cheater to come back to us again and again?
I know. We’re in love. But love only exists with honesty. What we have with these men isn’t love. It’s fantasy. It’s role play. Except we aren’t let in on that fact.
Why do men cheat? Because we let them. Because no matter how big an asshole a man is, there will always be some broken woman who will take him into her life.
So, here’s the agreement. We’re not fucking married men. Not unless we have their wives permission. And wives/girlfriends… we aren’t going to take the guy back who is fucking around on us. Not until they can prove they have changed. But wives/girlfriends, we also aren’t going to punish a guy for being honest with us. If he tells us “hey, I wanna watch porn” we aren’t going to have a hissy fit and yell at him. We’re going to find a way to meet that need in a way we are comfortable with.
It’s simple. Know your sexual boundaries. Express them to your partner. Know his boundaries too. Then negotiate inside of them.
It’s easy. It’s honest. And if the guy still manages to fuck it up, you can walk away knowing that there was nothing more you could have done.