This Virgin/Whore thing… it’s complex

Did you hear that NY Gov. Spitzer hired a hooker?

Of course you have. Everyone has. It’s the top story in every paper (my fave headline: “Ho No!”).

The main question I keep hearing people ask is “why?”. I mean, on one hand we all know why, the question behind the question is why a guy like this would need to pay for sex?

He’s married, to a really cute wife. Seriously, don’t judge her by the way she looked at that non-resignation resignation press conference. She’s actually quite cute, and has a great shape.

And even if he was tired of his wife there is no end to the number of aides, interns, and co-workers he could have used for a booty call. As sad as it sounds, an affair with a co-worker probably would have been better for his career than one with a hooker. We can forgive cheating (exhibit A: Bill Clinton) but we can’t get over the hypocrisy of a guy who used to punish hookers now frequenting them.

But he didn’t go that route. He paid an estimated $3,000 for sex, with another $1,500 going towards future visits. And that is what most people don’t understand.

The phrase “you get what you pay for” might be true for shoes, but not for nookie.

So, if there are a number of women he could have sex with, why did he need to pay for it?

I think it all goes back to our old friend the virgin/whore complex.

The virgin/whore complex (sometimes called the virgin/whore syndrome or dichotomy) tries to explain why some men seem to group women into two groups: those you marry and those you fuck.

If you’ve ever been rejected because “you’re too good for me” or “you’re not the type of girl you settle down with” then you’ve been a victim of it. I know I have.

In my case I would date these guys and have a great fun, flirty, and, in one case, deeply loving relationship. I’m pretty open about my sexuality and I don’t mind being experimental in bed. You’d think guys would like that trait, and at the time they do. But when it gets to the part where things are getting serious, they freak out and dump me without any cause or warning. The ex actually told me it was because “you’re not to type of girl you marry”. Although he wasn’t quite able to articulate what that meant. 

I understand it though. It goes back to the mixed messages in society. Love is pure and rarefied and beautiful. Sex is dirty and nasty and wrong. You can just see it in the way that sex is shown in the media. When a loving couple is shown having sex it is all soft lighting, candles, missionary position and gentleness. When a couple is just having sex (like in a porn movie) they are carnal, grabbing, groping, sucking and moving in any position to get off.

Sex and love aren’t connected. You rarely see a loving couple engaging in raw, passionate or kinky sex. This disconnect carries over into the view of women. It follows that the types of women who you would love are not the types you could have nasty/kinky/animal sex with.

I suspect this is what happened with Spitzer. He couldn’t ask his wife to meet his sexual needs, because he loved her and thought she was too good for them. He couldn’t take up with a co-worker or intern for the same reason, these were all good women. No, he had to find a woman who was bad. He had to pay $3,000 for something so dirty that he couldn’t find someone else to do it.

 Keep in mind that when I say dirty, I’m talking about how these guys see it. I know a few strippers and hookers (It’s Tampa, who doesn’t?) and while there is the random freak who wants to be carved on and dressed like a baby, most of what Johns consider to be kinky is pretty dull. We’re talking about stuff like facials or oral sex (both giving and receiving). It’s amazing how many guys pay hookers because they want to go down on them. That’s how out of whack this virgin/whore thing is… it makes men think that giving oral sex is taboo.

Really, it should be mandatory.

So, why does a guy like Gov. Spitzer pay thousands of dollars for sex that he could get for free?

Because, the type of women who would have sex with him are not the type he wants to be around. You don’t pay the hooker for sex, you pay her to leave when it’s done.

The irony is that the mixed messages about sex that led to this are just going to be fueled by this story. People will think this is an indictment on sex, when really it’s about breaking the law.

I have a feeling I’ll be talking more about this as it continues to come out. The sex culture politics of this story are amazing to watch.

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One Response to This Virgin/Whore thing… it’s complex

  1. 48facets says:

    Excellent take on the man/women relationship. As a guy, one who does not cheat or pay for sex, I understand what you are saying.

    Well done.

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